This is topic The Return of General Yak and Corporal Punishment! in forum General Yak at 8mm Forum.
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Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 20, 2009, 07:58 PM:
Things have been too serious as of late. It's time for some Levity!
An englishman, German and an Irishman go into a bar.
They all order a drink
A fly lands on each drink.
The English man says to the waiter ...
" I say sah! Bring me another drink, there is a fly on my drink. Be a good chap, eh what? "
The German just shrugs his shoulders and drinks the booze.
The Irishman, in a rage, grabs the fly and turns him over the glass, squeezing the fly and yelling ...
" SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!!! "
Dada Dump Tsss!
Posted by Dan Lail (Member # 18) on February 20, 2009, 09:48 PM:
A dog walks into a bar with a bloody bandage around his leg and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
Posted by Steven J Kirk (Member # 1135) on February 20, 2009, 10:39 PM:
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, 'Why the long face.'
( I take it the Englishman from the first joke was from the 1930s by the way he spoke... )
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 20, 2009, 11:16 PM:
Rawther!!
A French officer gets a furlow to go into town.
There he finds a lady of the night and takes her to her hungalow.
They conduct "business"
He gets up and starts putting back on his uniform. The lady gets up and asks about the money.
The french officer stands up straight and acts offended ...
"An French officer NEVER accepts money!"
Badadump Tss!
Thank you Thank you!!
Posted by Dan Lail (Member # 18) on February 20, 2009, 11:29 PM:
A fly, a dog, and a horse walk into a bar. They are swiftly removed form the premises by a French officer who just got laid. In the street they are approached by an Irishman with a strong desire for a drink. Upon reentering the bar the fly turns to the dog and says "why don't we find another joke to be in". The dog says "what joke?" Meanwhile the Frenchman rides away on the horse while the Irishman has another pint. What is the meaning of all this? Ask General Yak. I think he'll know.
Posted by Mike Peckham (Member # 16) on February 21, 2009, 01:44 AM:
A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a Double Entendre, so he gave her one.
Posted by Michael O'Regan (Member # 938) on February 21, 2009, 03:21 AM:
Ah....makes me proud to be Irish ![[Cool]](cool.gif)
So, a chicken comes upon a duck who's about to cross the road. "Don't do it", says the chicken, " you'll never hear the end of it"!!!
Posted by Martin Jones (Member # 1163) on February 21, 2009, 05:45 AM:
Mad Cow Disease? Don't try and teach me anything about Mad Cow Disease........ I've been married 49 years.
Martin
Posted by Christopher P Quinn (Member # 1294) on February 21, 2009, 06:42 AM:
A couple stayed at the Watergate Hotel while visiting Washington, D,C. The wife was concerned. "What if, after all these years, the place is still bugged?" The husband says, "I'll look for a bug."
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. "Aha." Under the rug was a disc with 4 screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews the screws and throws the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple "How was your room?" "How was the service?" "How was your stay at the Watergate?"
The husband says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"
The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them."
Posted by Martin Jones (Member # 1163) on February 21, 2009, 08:26 AM:
I went to the docxtor last week. It was a lady doctor. "What can I do for you Mr. Jones?" she asked.
"Well, doctor" I said, "it's more information I'm after. Can you explain the benefits of VIAGRA?"
" Do you have an impotence problem, Mr. Jones?"
Well, Doctor", I replied, "how the hell would I know?"
martin
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 21, 2009, 10:24 AM:
It's time for .. "Yo Mama" Jokes!
Yo Mama's so fat, when they tell her to haul ass, she makes two trips!
Yo Mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to boil minute rice!
Gawd! This is fun.
(I'm a staggeringly happy Irishman as well, Micheal!)
Posted by Steven J Kirk (Member # 1135) on February 21, 2009, 10:35 AM:
I love jigsaw puzzles. I just got a new one of 18 pieces. That's right, 18 pieces so it's a tough one. I don't mind boasting that I finished it in only two weeks. Pretty good? You bet. It says 1-3 years on the box...
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 21, 2009, 12:24 PM:
Good one Steven!
A homeless man came up to me and said ...
" man, I haven't had a bite in weeks! "
So I bit him!
and now, a true story (no, this really is a true story)
My dad was on vacation in Illinois, (why Illinois, I'll never know). He came upon one of those triangular "Yelid" signs on the side of the road.
There, draped over the sign, was a completely squished flat
squirrel, com,pletely spread eagle. Somebody had the great sense of humor to actually take a dollar bill and a handwritten sign, and pinned it to th4e squirrel. The sign said ...
"Bury Me please!"
Dad thought it was so funny, he actually took the squirrel down, buried it, and pocketed the dollar!
Posted by Dave Cragg (Member # 401) on February 21, 2009, 04:00 PM:
An old friend came up to me in the street and said " can I tap you for a fiver?"
I said "for a fiver you can hit me with a brick!"
Posted by Michael O'Regan (Member # 938) on February 21, 2009, 05:12 PM:
Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one says to the other, " Does he taste funny to you"?????? ![[Smile]](smile.gif)
![[Wink]](wink.gif)
A camel walks into a bar and the barman says - "What've you got the 'ump about???"
OK THATS ENOUGH FROM ME......... ![[Razz]](tongue.gif)
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 21, 2009, 05:42 PM:
Magnificent lads!
A "Star Trek: Next Generation" joke ...
"Data" is coughing and wheezing ...
Commander Riker asks Picard ...
"What's wrong with him?
to which Captain Picard replies ...
"Computer virus, number one!"
badadump!
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says to the other ...
"Man, I HATE my mother-in-law!"
to which thge other replies ...
"Well, have you tried the beans?"
Badadump Tss!
Posted by David Kilderry (Member # 549) on February 22, 2009, 05:35 AM:
A man races into a doctors office and yells "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!"
The Doctor replies, "I am very busy at the moment, you're just going to have to be a little patient!"
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 22, 2009, 04:25 PM:
Heh, "Little Patient" ... good one!
We were walking down the street and a puppy decided to follow us ...
we tried to escape him but he dogged us all the way home!
Bill Clinton was on the campaign trail.
A person in the crowd threw a bottle of beer at him ...
but it was draft, so he dodged it!
(that may be a joke for us americans.)
A magician make a mess of a trick, and someone in the crowd gave him a good beating ...
He was quite a "sore-ceror"!
(groan)
Posted by Graham Ritchie (Member # 559) on February 22, 2009, 09:05 PM:
Here is an oldie ![[Roll Eyes]](rolleyes.gif)
This bloke goes to the hospital for a check up and after two days of tests the doctor goes up to him......well I am afraid I have some bad news.... and some really bad news ![[Eek!]](eek.gif)
the patient is shocked and says to the doctor.....so whats the bad news?....well you only have 24 hours to live ... so whats the really bad news?... the doctor replies I should have told you yesterday.
Graham.
Posted by Patrick Walsh (Member # 637) on February 22, 2009, 09:27 PM:
Knock Knock......Who's There.......Dr........Dr Who?.........How Did You Guess! ![[Big Grin]](biggrin.gif)
Ho Hum
Pat
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 22, 2009, 09:35 PM:
Ooooh Patrick, Grrroan!
What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?
He wiped.
(Egad, thats BAD!)
Posted by Michael O'Regan (Member # 938) on February 23, 2009, 01:18 PM:
OK, I THINK WE MAY HAVE REACHED THE OUTER LIMIT OF THE ENVELOPE NOW OSI...........
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 23, 2009, 05:00 PM:
You know, I agree, better taste in jokes in the future!
My apologies if I offended any with that last joke!
Posted by Keith Ashfield (Member # 741) on February 24, 2009, 09:12 AM:
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best whisky, quick!"
The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."
The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."
The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"
"I have only fifty cents!"
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 24, 2009, 10:54 AM:
Hah! Good one Keith!
General Yak and Corporal Punishment are well pleased!
Major pain is only slightly amused.
(My son gigles off to the side, whenever I laugh, he starts giggling, so hey Keith, you got two laughs for the price of one!)
A joke that my wifes little 6 year old sister told me ...
"What's brown and smells like puppy chow?"
"What?" I asked her ...
She looked up at my with the most sincere expression ...
"Puppy farts."
Posted by Keith Ashfield (Member # 741) on February 24, 2009, 01:58 PM:
We are back in the "Twilight Zone" again!
Posted by Dan Lail (Member # 18) on February 24, 2009, 02:27 PM:
I guy wearing a gas mask walks into a bar and says "I've been listening to Corporal Punishment's jokes".
Posted by Keith Ashfield (Member # 741) on February 24, 2009, 02:44 PM:
General Yak, Major Pain, Corporal Punishment! When are we going to get "Private Dancer"?
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 24, 2009, 03:03 PM:
Keith! Good one! "Private Dancer"
(As long as she stays away from my "Private Parts", my wife might object)
Badadump Tss!
A woman goes into her daughter. She is a hefty woman and thin ks that she has bad digestion. The doctor examines her and comes back with the findings.
Guess what, your having twins!
"I'm pregnant?! Oh my goodness? How could this have happened?"
The doctor is amused by the answer, but continues on ...
"There is one big problem, however. If you attempt to have both children, it'll kill you. I hate to say this, but you'll have to chose one of the babies to survive."
The woman is terribly shaken. What is she to do? She comes back the next day and asks the doctor ...
"I know this may sound bizzarre, but is it possible to look at both babies and tell what they will be in the future?"
"That is a bizzarre request, but believe it or not, we can do that through tests."
So they do the tests and she comes back a week later to get the results.
"As far as we can tell, one will be a rock star and one will be a preacher. You have to make a choice. Which one do you want to survive?"
After much heartache, the mother replies ...
"I want the preacher to survive."
So they do the opperation and it is a success. One baby is born healthy. The mother is in the recovery room and the doctor comes to see her.
"The operation was a success."
"Can I see my baby?"
"Well, yes, but there was a slight complication."
"The baby is fine?" The worried mother asks
"Yes, of course. Come and see your child."
The mother goes in to be confronted with a leather and chains wearing baby with an electric guitar and he plays her a song ...
" You got me brudder,
but you didn't get me!
I was hiding
behind the left kidney! "
(Sounds even funnier with sound effects)
Posted by Dan Lail (Member # 18) on February 24, 2009, 03:10 PM:
Don't forget Colonel O. Truth and Captain Seats.
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 24, 2009, 04:14 PM:
Corporal Punishment (he's a naughty fellow!) also likes ...
BLONDE JOKES!!
A brunette is in the middle of the road, walking down the yellow dividing line, with her arms out like an airplane, constantly repeating ...
" 26 ... 26 ... 26 "
A blonde comes upon this curious, and it looks like fun.
" Hey, can I do that too? "
The brunette gets out of the road and sweeps her hands towards the road.
" Be my guest! "
So the blonde goes out on the yellow dividing line and starts the "mantra" ...
" 26 ... 26 ... 26 "
A Semi-truck comes down the road and SPLAT, smears the blonde into the pavement. The brunette looks down going ....
"Tsk Tsk Tsk!"
She then puts out her arms like and airplane and says ...
" 27 ... 27 ... 27 "
Posted by Stewart McSporran (Member # 128) on February 24, 2009, 04:31 PM:
Heard on Radio 4 at lunchtime today, so it can't be that rude
There was a young lady from Leeds
Who swallowed a packet of seeds
Within hours her tits were covered in flowers
and you couldn't see her fanny for weeds
I'll get me coat!
Posted by Steven J Kirk (Member # 1135) on February 24, 2009, 05:41 PM:
Blonde jokes... What do you call a Blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant!
Posted by Dan Lail (Member # 18) on February 24, 2009, 06:20 PM:
There once was a lady from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass
Not pretty and pink as you probably think
But was gray, had long ears and ate grass
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 24, 2009, 07:49 PM:
What do you call a Blonde behind the wheel of a car?
An Airbag!
What do you call the space between a blondes ears?
Wind tunnel!
How do you kill a blonde?
Put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
How do you get a one armed blonde out of a tree?
You wave!
(Colonel Corn ... good one Dan!)
Posted by Keith Ashfield (Member # 741) on February 26, 2009, 12:06 AM:
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.
Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll poop on it's head!"
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on February 26, 2009, 09:38 AM:
Exemplary Older Bro!
... and the funniest thing on this earth ...
POLITICIANS!!
Posted by Hugh McCullough (Member # 696) on February 26, 2009, 12:42 PM:
A slightly naughty joke.
I came home last night and found the wife cuddling the Milkman.
I said to her "That's not right, it's the Grocer we owe money to".
Posted by Keith Ashfield (Member # 741) on March 05, 2009, 07:52 AM:
There were these two 95-year-old men sitting at the senior center one day when the one states,
"I have to get right home!"
"What's your hurry?" asks the other.
"Me and the wife are having sex again today."
"Again? How often do you have sex?"
"Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is - Pumpernickel Bread." And he scurried off.
As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in. "Do you have any Pumpernickel Bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter.
"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernickel Bread."
"I'll take it all," the old man blurts out.
The lady was surprised and says,
"All of it? It will go hard eventually you know?"
The old man replies,
"Why does everyone know about this but me?!"
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on March 05, 2009, 10:08 AM:
Hee hee ...
being that General Yak loves a good senior citizen joke ...
Tow elderly ladies are driving down the road and they are pulled over by a police officer. The officer walks up to the drivers side and asks politely ...
" Mam, do you know how fast you were going? "
The elderly lady looks up and politely replies in her cute old lady way ...
" Yes officer, I was going 15 miles per hour, just like the sigh says. "
" Mam, that there is a highway route sign, not a speed limit sign. I'm afraid I'll have to give you a ticket. "
As the officer walks back to the car, the old lady turns to her friend and says ...
" It's a good thing he didn't catch us on I-99! "
Posted by Keith Ashfield (Member # 741) on March 05, 2009, 10:22 AM:
What do you do with a dog who chases everyone on a bike ?
Take his bike away!
---------------------------------------
A large brown bear, wearing a trilby, went into a bar and ordered a glass of beer and a large mattabooboo.
The barman said
"What's a mattabooboo?"
"Nothing Yogi" said the bear.
Posted by Osi Osgood (Member # 424) on March 05, 2009, 03:26 PM:
What do you call a blonde with three brain cells?
Gifted.
and now, religious jokes, (those who are religious will probably get these, as they involve Bible quotes).
Did you know King David was into motorcycles?
" and David rode his triumph into the city "
Did you know that the disciples were into traveling by by vehicles?
" And they were all in one accord. "
Hyuk yuk yuk!
... and, of course, Baseball is first mentioned in the Bible ...
" In the beginning "
(in the "big inning"? Get it, get it!? (slap) OUCH! More more!)
"
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