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Author Topic: The Return of General Yak and Corporal Punishment!
Osi Osgood
Film God

Posts: 10204
From: Mountian Home, ID.
Registered: Jul 2005

- posted February 20, 2009 07:58 PM      Profile for Osi Osgood   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Things have been too serious as of late. It's time for some Levity!

An englishman, German and an Irishman go into a bar.

They all order a drink
A fly lands on each drink.

The English man says to the waiter ...

" I say sah! Bring me another drink, there is a fly on my drink. Be a good chap, eh what? "

The German just shrugs his shoulders and drinks the booze.

The Irishman, in a rage, grabs the fly and turns him over the glass, squeezing the fly and yelling ...

" SPIT IT OUT! SPIT IT OUT!!! "

Dada Dump Tsss!

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"All these moments will be lost in time, just like ... tears, in the rain. "

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Dan Lail
Film God

Posts: 2110
From: Loganville, Georgia, USA
Registered: Jun 2003

- posted February 20, 2009 09:48 PM      Profile for Dan Lail   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A dog walks into a bar with a bloody bandage around his leg and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

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Steven J Kirk
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 873
From: Southern England
Registered: Apr 2008

- posted February 20, 2009 10:39 PM      Profile for Steven J Kirk   Email Steven J Kirk   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says, 'Why the long face.'

( I take it the Englishman from the first joke was from the 1930s by the way he spoke... )

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VistaVision
Motion Picture High-Fidelity

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Osi Osgood
Film God

Posts: 10204
From: Mountian Home, ID.
Registered: Jul 2005

- posted February 20, 2009 11:16 PM      Profile for Osi Osgood   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Rawther!!

A French officer gets a furlow to go into town.

There he finds a lady of the night and takes her to her hungalow.

They conduct "business"

He gets up and starts putting back on his uniform. The lady gets up and asks about the money.

The french officer stands up straight and acts offended ...

"An French officer NEVER accepts money!"

Badadump Tss!

Thank you Thank you!!

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"All these moments will be lost in time, just like ... tears, in the rain. "

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Dan Lail
Film God

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From: Loganville, Georgia, USA
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- posted February 20, 2009 11:29 PM      Profile for Dan Lail   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A fly, a dog, and a horse walk into a bar. They are swiftly removed form the premises by a French officer who just got laid. In the street they are approached by an Irishman with a strong desire for a drink. Upon reentering the bar the fly turns to the dog and says "why don't we find another joke to be in". The dog says "what joke?" Meanwhile the Frenchman rides away on the horse while the Irishman has another pint. What is the meaning of all this? Ask General Yak. I think he'll know.

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Mike Peckham
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1461
From: West Sussex, UK.
Registered: Jun 2003

- posted February 21, 2009 01:44 AM      Profile for Mike Peckham   Email Mike Peckham   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A woman walks into a pub and asks the barman for a Double Entendre, so he gave her one.

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Auntie Em must have stopped wondering where I am by now...

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Michael O'Regan
Film God

Posts: 3085
From: Essex, UK
Registered: Oct 2007

- posted February 21, 2009 03:21 AM      Profile for Michael O'Regan   Email Michael O'Regan   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ah....makes me proud to be Irish [Cool] [Cool]

So, a chicken comes upon a duck who's about to cross the road. "Don't do it", says the chicken, " you'll never hear the end of it"!!!

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Martin Jones
Phenomenal Film Handler

Posts: 1269
From: Thetford , Norfolk,England
Registered: May 2008

- posted February 21, 2009 05:45 AM      Profile for Martin Jones     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Mad Cow Disease? Don't try and teach me anything about Mad Cow Disease........ I've been married 49 years.

Martin

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Retired TV Service Engineer
Ongoing interest in Telecine....

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Christopher P Quinn
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 210
From: Bedfordshire
Registered: Sep 2008

- posted February 21, 2009 06:42 AM      Profile for Christopher P Quinn     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A couple stayed at the Watergate Hotel while visiting Washington, D,C. The wife was concerned. "What if, after all these years, the place is still bugged?" The husband says, "I'll look for a bug."

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures, and under the rug. "Aha." Under the rug was a disc with 4 screws. He gets his screwdriver, unscrews the screws and throws the disc out the window.

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the couple "How was your room?" "How was the service?" "How was your stay at the Watergate?"

The husband says, "Why are you asking me all of these questions?"

The hotel manager says "Well, the room under you complained of the chandelier falling on them."

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Chris Quinn Rides again.

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Martin Jones
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Posts: 1269
From: Thetford , Norfolk,England
Registered: May 2008

- posted February 21, 2009 08:26 AM      Profile for Martin Jones     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I went to the docxtor last week. It was a lady doctor. "What can I do for you Mr. Jones?" she asked.
"Well, doctor" I said, "it's more information I'm after. Can you explain the benefits of VIAGRA?"
" Do you have an impotence problem, Mr. Jones?"
Well, Doctor", I replied, "how the hell would I know?"

martin

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Retired TV Service Engineer
Ongoing interest in Telecine....

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Osi Osgood
Film God

Posts: 10204
From: Mountian Home, ID.
Registered: Jul 2005

- posted February 21, 2009 10:24 AM      Profile for Osi Osgood   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
It's time for .. "Yo Mama" Jokes!

Yo Mama's so fat, when they tell her to haul ass, she makes two trips!

Yo Mama's so stupid, it takes her an hour to boil minute rice!

Gawd! This is fun.

(I'm a staggeringly happy Irishman as well, Micheal!)

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"All these moments will be lost in time, just like ... tears, in the rain. "

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Steven J Kirk
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 873
From: Southern England
Registered: Apr 2008

- posted February 21, 2009 10:35 AM      Profile for Steven J Kirk   Email Steven J Kirk   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
I love jigsaw puzzles. I just got a new one of 18 pieces. That's right, 18 pieces so it's a tough one. I don't mind boasting that I finished it in only two weeks. Pretty good? You bet. It says 1-3 years on the box...

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VistaVision
Motion Picture High-Fidelity

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Osi Osgood
Film God

Posts: 10204
From: Mountian Home, ID.
Registered: Jul 2005

- posted February 21, 2009 12:24 PM      Profile for Osi Osgood   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Good one Steven!

A homeless man came up to me and said ...

" man, I haven't had a bite in weeks! "

So I bit him!

and now, a true story (no, this really is a true story)

My dad was on vacation in Illinois, (why Illinois, I'll never know). He came upon one of those triangular "Yelid" signs on the side of the road.

There, draped over the sign, was a completely squished flat
squirrel, com,pletely spread eagle. Somebody had the great sense of humor to actually take a dollar bill and a handwritten sign, and pinned it to th4e squirrel. The sign said ...

"Bury Me please!"

Dad thought it was so funny, he actually took the squirrel down, buried it, and pocketed the dollar!

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"All these moments will be lost in time, just like ... tears, in the rain. "

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Dave Cragg
Expert Film Handler

Posts: 166
From: Merseyside, Great Britain
Registered: Jun 2005

- posted February 21, 2009 04:00 PM      Profile for Dave Cragg   Email Dave Cragg   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
An old friend came up to me in the street and said " can I tap you for a fiver?"
I said "for a fiver you can hit me with a brick!"

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Wide eyed novice.

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Michael O'Regan
Film God

Posts: 3085
From: Essex, UK
Registered: Oct 2007

- posted February 21, 2009 05:12 PM      Profile for Michael O'Regan   Email Michael O'Regan   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Two cannibals are eating a clown, and one says to the other, " Does he taste funny to you"?????? [Smile] [Wink]
A camel walks into a bar and the barman says - "What've you got the 'ump about???"

OK THATS ENOUGH FROM ME......... [Razz]

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Osi Osgood
Film God

Posts: 10204
From: Mountian Home, ID.
Registered: Jul 2005

- posted February 21, 2009 05:42 PM      Profile for Osi Osgood   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Magnificent lads!

A "Star Trek: Next Generation" joke ...

"Data" is coughing and wheezing ...

Commander Riker asks Picard ...

"What's wrong with him?

to which Captain Picard replies ...

"Computer virus, number one!"

badadump!

Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says to the other ...

"Man, I HATE my mother-in-law!"

to which thge other replies ...

"Well, have you tried the beans?"

Badadump Tss!

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"All these moments will be lost in time, just like ... tears, in the rain. "

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David Kilderry
Jedi Master Film Handler

Posts: 963
From: Melbourne, Victoria, Australia
Registered: Feb 2006

- posted February 22, 2009 05:35 AM      Profile for David Kilderry   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A man races into a doctors office and yells "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking!"

The Doctor replies, "I am very busy at the moment, you're just going to have to be a little patient!"

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Osi Osgood
Film God

Posts: 10204
From: Mountian Home, ID.
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- posted February 22, 2009 04:25 PM      Profile for Osi Osgood   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Heh, "Little Patient" ... good one!

We were walking down the street and a puppy decided to follow us ...

we tried to escape him but he dogged us all the way home!

Bill Clinton was on the campaign trail.

A person in the crowd threw a bottle of beer at him ...

but it was draft, so he dodged it!

(that may be a joke for us americans.)

A magician make a mess of a trick, and someone in the crowd gave him a good beating ...

He was quite a "sore-ceror"!

(groan)

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"All these moments will be lost in time, just like ... tears, in the rain. "

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Graham Ritchie
Film God

Posts: 4001
From: New Zealand
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- posted February 22, 2009 09:05 PM      Profile for Graham Ritchie   Email Graham Ritchie   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Here is an oldie [Roll Eyes]

This bloke goes to the hospital for a check up and after two days of tests the doctor goes up to him......well I am afraid I have some bad news.... and some really bad news [Eek!] the patient is shocked and says to the doctor.....so whats the bad news?....well you only have 24 hours to live [Eek!] ... so whats the really bad news?... the doctor replies I should have told you yesterday. [Smile]

Graham.

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Patrick Walsh
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Posts: 723
From: Christchurch, New Zealand
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- posted February 22, 2009 09:27 PM      Profile for Patrick Walsh   Email Patrick Walsh   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Knock Knock......Who's There.......Dr........Dr Who?.........How Did You Guess! [Big Grin]

Ho Hum [Smile]
[Big Grin]
Pat

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"Raise The Titanic!", It would of been cheaper to lower the Atlantic!

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Osi Osgood
Film God

Posts: 10204
From: Mountian Home, ID.
Registered: Jul 2005

- posted February 22, 2009 09:35 PM      Profile for Osi Osgood   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Ooooh Patrick, Grrroan!

What did the cannibal do after dumping his girlfriend?

He wiped.

(Egad, thats BAD!)

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"All these moments will be lost in time, just like ... tears, in the rain. "

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Michael O'Regan
Film God

Posts: 3085
From: Essex, UK
Registered: Oct 2007

- posted February 23, 2009 01:18 PM      Profile for Michael O'Regan   Email Michael O'Regan   Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
[Big Grin] [Big Grin]

OK, I THINK WE MAY HAVE REACHED THE OUTER LIMIT OF THE ENVELOPE NOW OSI...........

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Osi Osgood
Film God

Posts: 10204
From: Mountian Home, ID.
Registered: Jul 2005

- posted February 23, 2009 05:00 PM      Profile for Osi Osgood   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
You know, I agree, better taste in jokes in the future!

My apologies if I offended any with that last joke!

[Smile]

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"All these moments will be lost in time, just like ... tears, in the rain. "

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Keith Ashfield
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Posts: 997
From: U.K.
Registered: Dec 2006

- posted February 24, 2009 09:12 AM      Profile for Keith Ashfield     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best whisky, quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."

The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?"

"I have only fifty cents!" [Smile]

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"We'll find 'em in the end, I promise you. We'll find 'em. Just as sure as a turnin' of the earth".

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Osi Osgood
Film God

Posts: 10204
From: Mountian Home, ID.
Registered: Jul 2005

- posted February 24, 2009 10:54 AM      Profile for Osi Osgood   Author's Homepage     Send New Private Message       Edit/Delete Post 
Hah! Good one Keith!

General Yak and Corporal Punishment are well pleased!

Major pain is only slightly amused.

(My son gigles off to the side, whenever I laugh, he starts giggling, so hey Keith, you got two laughs for the price of one!)

A joke that my wifes little 6 year old sister told me ...

"What's brown and smells like puppy chow?"

"What?" I asked her ...

She looked up at my with the most sincere expression ...

"Puppy farts."

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"All these moments will be lost in time, just like ... tears, in the rain. "

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