Funny Stuff - Please share jokes/cartoons/puns

[Richard C. Patchett]

Some good ones!!!

IN A DEPARTMENT STORE

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari parkI sure hope so)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya think?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!



Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!




Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!



Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!




War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!



If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!



Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!



Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain;PoliceSuspect Homicide
They may be on to something!



Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
----------------------------------------------------------

Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
----------------------------------------------

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!
-------------------------------------------------

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
****************************************




Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!
*******************************************

And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
************************************************** *

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread the stupidity and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle).

We all need a good laugh, at least once a day!

[Chip Gelmini]

And THAT was the last time I was asked to help out at a baby shower......

[Ed Gordon]

.....

[Dominique De Bast]

It's a point of vue...

[Cliff Perriam]

[Steve Lee]

Alan Parker

[Brian Fretwell]

The Odeon in Loughborough looked like that, not the sign, but that no names of any films being shown could be seen from the street!!!!

[Steve Klare]

.......

[Ed Gordon]

Aviation Truisms

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are:
"Why is it doing that?"
"Where are we?"
and "OH SHIT!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

[Joseph Banfield]

I've always liked this French picture that made the rounds many years ago! The French translation is: "Lost Kiki"

[Dominique De Bast]

[Joerg Polzfusz]

Now that Christmas time is approaching, it's time to spend too much money and to level up at your bank:

Stage 1: The ATM stops dispensing money until you have paid off your debts.
Stage 2: A bank employee asks you to stop using the machines and instead to discuss your options with a member of staff.
Stage 3: Everyone in the branch now knows your name. And you will only be advised personally by the branch manager.
Stage 4: Every bank employee in the world knows your name. From now on, you will be greeted with a glass of champagne by the head of the bank.
Stage 5: From now on, the Minister of Finance will also be present at your meetings with the bank. Champagne and canapés are served.

[Steve Klare]

Athletes get Athlete's-Foot,
therefore Astronauts get Missile-Toe.

(Ho! Ho!)

[Chip Gelmini]

[Chip Gelmini]

Xmas cartoons