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**Richard C. Patchett** · February 24, 2021, 12:47 PM

A Human Cannonball decided that he was too old to go on being shot
across a circus arena into a net night after night.
He went to the circus owner and told him he was going to retire.

You Can't! the owner cried .
Where am i going to find a man of your caliber???

**Brian Fretwell** · February 24, 2021, 03:39 PM

Now this thread is reminding me of a terrible "Mummy, Mummy" schoolboy joke from the 1950's/60's a different age

"Mummy, Mummy, can I lick round the bowl?"
"No! Pull the chain like everyone else."

Schoolboys had no limits to the content of their jokes then.

**Graham Ritchie** · February 26, 2021, 12:12 PM

I always enjoyed watching Dick Emery on TV, this particular episode of going for a British driving test made me

looking at the cars like the Ford Anglia from the 1960s, a classic these days, makes me wonder when this episode was made. At a guess late 1960s or very early 1970s.

I am sure we can all relate to going for your driving license and what length some might go to to get it

mine was 1969

and still got it

Anyway back to Dick Emery

**Brian Fretwell** · February 27, 2021, 04:03 AM

Seeing his name I automatically though "Ohh, you are awful!! But I like you." 😂

**Ed Gordon** · March 07, 2021, 11:08 AM

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous comic who once said:

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen, and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And, the all-time favorite.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

**Richard C. Patchett** · March 12, 2021, 12:02 PM

Remember those days Pay as you go 😥

**Chip Gelmini** · March 12, 2021, 01:00 PM

Originally posted by Ed Gordon View Post

If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the famous comic who once said:

"I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen, and replaced by exact duplicates."

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

3 - Half the people you know are below average.

4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

5 - 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.

9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.

10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend... But she left me before we met.

12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?

13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.

19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.

34 - If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

And, the all-time favorite.

35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Another one:

I put spot remover on my dog....now he's gone.

**Melvin England** · March 13, 2021, 05:54 AM

I cannot believe it, Chip. Just an hour or so before I read your piece above, there had been a comedy compilation programme shown on our BBC 4 giving brief two or three minute snippets from various comedians. They then did a small piece on Steve Wright who, up until this programme, I never knew from Adam. Would you believe it...... he rattled off some of these one liners in the brief time he was on. The "exact duplicates" was one that comes to mind.
Spooky or what ?!

**Ed Gordon** · March 14, 2021, 10:57 AM

"STEVEN WRIGHT - COMPLETE Works - stereo HQ - (pt.1 of 5)" is available on YouTube to view at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5ErMolRE8M

FOR PART TWO of this, hit http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22Gh4l... This is FORTY-FOUR MINUTES of the King of Surreal Standup, in 1985, delivering pretty much the WHOLE BOOK! And for another laugh, hit http://damienatloppers.wordpress.com/...

- From the Youtube poster's comments

**Dominique De Bast** · March 18, 2021, 07:12 AM

Mickey : "With my great ears, my mask tightens too much..."
Donald : "I don't even have ears !"

**Dominique De Bast** · March 18, 2021, 01:06 PM

Lady : I fell horrible ; I look fat, old and ugly. I need a compliment.
Gentleman : Your eyesight is perfect.

**Ed Gordon** · March 20, 2021, 12:26 PM

'OLD' IS WHEN...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Pick one; I can't do both!'

'OLD' IS WHEN..

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door,

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'OLD' IS WHEN. ..

'Getting a little action' means you don't need to take any fiber today.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

AND

'OLD' IS WHEN...

You are not sure these are jokes

**Brian Fretwell** · March 20, 2021, 04:39 PM

'OLD' IS WHEN...

An 'all-nighter' means not getting up to use the bathroom.

I'd alter that to "Old is getting up in the night to use the bathroom and actually taking a bath before you remember what you went for!!!

**Ed Gordon** · March 21, 2021, 11:43 AM

**Chip Gelmini** · March 24, 2021, 12:09 PM

Now THIS made my day.........

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