Funny Stuff - Please share jokes/cartoons/puns

[Brian Fretwell]

[Chip Gelmini]

Right. President's day weekend and I find THIS.......

[Richard C. Patchett]

Pfizer and Pepsi
to Merge:

This will no doubt put Coca Cola out of
business in the near future!

The Pfizer Corporation announced today
that Viagra will soon be available in liquid
form and this new product will be marketed
by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable
for use as a mixer.

It will now be possible for a man to literally
pour himself a stiff one. Obviously we can
no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives
new meaning to the names of cocktails,
highballs and just a good old-fashioned
stiff drink.

Pepsi will market the new
concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Thought for the day...There is more money
being spent on breast implants and Viagra
today than on Alzheimer’s research.

This
means that by 2025, there should be a large
elderly population with perky boobs, huge
erections and absolutely no recollection of
what to do with them.

And, if you don’t send this to five senior
friends right away there will be five fewer
people laughing today.

[Ed Gordon]

Are Computers Male or Female?

[Graham Ritchie]

Its about right to

[Ed Gordon]

A cold seat in a public restroom is unpleasant. A warm seat in a public restroom is even worse.

Apparently RSVP'ing to a wedding invitation "Maybe next time," isn't the correct response.

Don't irritate old people. The older we get, the less "Life in prison" is as a deterrent.

Have you ever listened to someone for a minute and thought, "Their cornbread isn't done in the middle."

Aliens probably fly by Earth and lock their doors.

"You will hit every cone on the highway before I let you merge in front of me because you saw that sign 2 miles ago like I did."

I asked my wife if I was the only one she had ever been with. She said yes, all the others were nines and tens. Give it a minute...

I really don't mind getting older, but my body is taking it badly.

It turns out that being an adult now is mostly just googling how to do stuff.

I miss the 90s when bread was still good for you and no one knew what kale was

Do you ever get up in the morning, look in the mirror and think "That can't be accurate."

I want to be 14 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

As I watch this new generation try to rewrite our history, one thing I'm sure of; it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for Tuesday.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they make food right in front of you. I took her to Subway. That's when the fight started.

I went line dancing last night. OK, it was a roadside sobriety test. Same thing.

Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

When wearing a bikini women reveal 90% of their body. Men are so polite they only look at the covered parts.

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won't cross the street to vote.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.

Money talks, but all mine ever says is good-bye.

You're not fat, you're just easier to see.

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters. Do they just give you a bra and say, “Here, fill this out?”

I can’t understand why women are OK that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, “Sag Harbor.”

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

My 60-year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

Denny’s has a slogan, “If it’s your birthday, the meal is on us." If you’re in Denny’s and it's your birthday, your life sucks!

The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I'm pretty sure she's going to get me something.

On average an American man will have sex two to three times a week. Whereas, a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. This is very upsetting news to me. I had no idea I was Japanese .

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.

Money can't buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

The reason Mayberry was so peaceful and quiet was because nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. The only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk.

I'd love to recapture my youth, but it keeps going faster and I keep getting slower.

Sometimes I think that if I ever lost my mind, I'd never miss it.

[Graham Ritchie]

That was brilliant Ed

[Ed Gordon]

That was brilliant Ed

I'll pass your compliment on to my writers!

[Chip Gelmini]

Was any of that from comedian Stephen right it definitely sounds like some of the things he would say......

Thank you Ed for sharing I enjoyed it very much

[Ed Gordon]

Was any of that from comedian Stephen right it definitely sounds like some of the things he would say......

Chip, I received the list in an email, and no credits were included. I agree, a lot of the lines sound like something Stephen Wright would say.

[Lee Mannering]

Should amuse our American friends

https://youtu.be/liyuY1vbPU4

[Chip Gelmini]

[Chip Gelmini]

[Richard C. Patchett]

[Richard C. Patchett]